Happy New Year!!! Or if you don't follow the Gregorian calendar then hello January :)
This is often a hard part of the year for many. Stress from family, finances, our own hopes and dreams can weigh us down in ways that feel like we are trying to swim through sand. I would say this year had the potential to be this way for me.
Last year I was grieving the loss of a relationship and not doing very well emotionally. I honestly can't even recall where I was New Year's 2015. This year though the holiday season was bright and cheery. I honestly felt some of that yuletide joy. I decorated for winter solstice, yule, and a little Christmas even. As you all know I am a practicing witch for lack of better terms. So I left much of what is associated with Christmas as the birth of Jesus Christ behind quite some time ago. What I gained though was an appreciation for all beings and their beliefs. So as the holidays come up I just felt all the joy and anticipation that everyone else was feeling.
New Years though...that was a bit different. In listening to my desires and following my higher self I felt compelled to seek country, solitude and water. Since I am heading to Puerto Rico in early January I pushed that desire aside. Not a wise choice. Thus around December 29th I felt restless. I wanted to be cared for and pampered but also left alone. It was a confusing feeling. I knew that I wanted to see my friend but with him being very far away that wasn't possible on such short notice. We made plans though to video chat though on New Years Eve and it made everything feel like it was in alignment. New Year's Eve I got a message from my friend that a family member had died. My heart broke for him.
Now a little bit about me. I have never experienced the death of anyone close to me. No family members, friends, or colleagues. Death is a being that has generally passed by me and those I love. So I don't cope well with the news of others passing and am not the best person to seek support from at that time. (I am not proud of this, in fact I am working hard to be present more and able to at least hold space for those as they grieve death). I sent the customary condolences and said to take his time with what he needed but that was about the extent of things. In fact I went back to planning my outfit for that night.
Needless to say, he showed up late in a horrible mood. We had an alright conversation but I was really peeved at his being late. New Year's Day,we talked a bit about what happened and how best to deal with things. Then the conversation went totally sideways while we discussed plans for a spring time trip. At first I was just confused as he was fine for one moment then very defensive. I took a step back. This wasn't normal behavior for him. We hadn't discussed anything ut of the ordinary for us. Clearly there was something going on that I had missed.
See this isn't a post about holding space as others grieve (that will come later) this is an emotional/psychological victory post. Had this been even 3 months ago, had this interaction occurred I would have immediately been defensive. It would have ruined my night as I went back and forth blaming myself for the fact that the conversation went left. Last night though, I was able to stay present and realize that this was not my fault but something else that I wasn't quite following. Something was going on with him which led to this reaction.
Well recall my lack of coping knowledge with death? Yea, I had already pretty much moved on from that information he had shared with me without the awareness that he would be grieving. That doesn't excuse his behavior but it does explain why he became so defensive so quickly as I brought up and pushed for things without acknowledging that now might not be the best time to talk about taking trips, spending money, and all the things that I wanted with no regard that he was hurting.
Being present allowed for me to not attack when he was already obviously down in a way that I had overlooked. Although I still would like to handle things differently next time I am overjoyed that I did not let that experience throw off my equilibrium. As such now I am looking at how does one support a loved one who is grieving? Recognizing that I am fully capable of caring for myself and that none of my needs are going unmet thus there is no ego threat and I can fully support him at this time.
It is exciting to grow. I'm improving on being there for myself, now I get to balance that with caring for others.
2016 is going to be a beautiful year.
-Rose
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